I read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. It was completely captivating. Amy Chua writes...
" This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old."
I think like most "Westerners" that read this book, my reaction was to want to give Chua a piece of my mind. My heart broke for her daughters and I wanted to hug them and give them all the things they needed and were intentionally denied by their mother. It made me dislike her as a person.
But she still managed to make me question Western child psychology. (Just question, not disagree with.) It's the belief of most Western child Psychology that a child must develop it's own autonomy in order to build the self esteem and confidence they desperately need. Most Western child psychology also preaches that children need loving affirmation, praise, and encouragement, no matter what, from parents in order to develop self esteem and confidence which is critical to the child's psyche's health. Chua believes that "Chinese mothers," ( which could refer to any strict, over-bearing typically eastern parent,) ASSUME strength, not fragility, in their children from the get go. Therefore, the "Chinese mother" knows that their child is strong enough to take the shaming and excoriating from the "Chinese mother."
I couldn't help but think that ASSUMING strength in a young child really could be a legitimately different psychological theory. I couldn't help but think that there was some huge value in assuming your child is capable of anything and everything.I was really fascinated by that assumption.
However, I didn't agree with her "Chinese mother" core theories that believe the parent knows what's best for the child in EVERY aspect of life. And this is the common thread throughout all of her parenting tactics, that she knows what's best for her children. Most of the time a parent does know what's best for a young child, as far as what is healthy, dangerous, educational among many other things. But when it comes to deciding your child's passions for them, a parent does not know best. The child is the only one who knows what their loves and desires are. The child should be able to choose between playing the violin or playing tennis if those options are available to them. The parent should not decide that the violin is better for the child than tennis, because it does take away a the child's right of choice. (Chua made that very choice for her daughter.)
Lulu on Violin, Amy, and Sophia on piano
As a believer of my faith, a human's right to choose and make their own choices in life is the very reason for our human existence. To take away another's right to make a choice for themselves is to deny God's divine plan for humanity. Don't get me wrong, I will prohibit my children from making choices that are dangerous or morally wrong until they are 18. However other than dangerous and wrong, and older than 18, I cannot and will not stop Oscar if he wants to be a world renowned mime or magician.
I do agree with the "Chinese mother" ways that expect excellence in everything their children do, and I felt a little ashamed of mine and my culture's under achievement in academics. But, I definitely disagree with their practice of having no place for failure. That is a tragedy that even Chua explains she's not sure how to address.
Here are just a couple excerpts so that you know how insane she truly is..
"I've noticed that Western Parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children how good they are notwithstanding a mediochre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result, behave very differently. For example, if a child come home with an A- minus ona test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express dissaproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid, "worthless," or a "disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught.
If a Chinese child gets a B-which would never happen- there would first be screaming hear-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, if not hundreds of practice tests and work them through with their child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A. Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they know their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home...."
I know, she's insane. This was one of the softer, rosier, parts. The rest is demeaning remarks, shaming, shouting, with threats of no dinner, having to stay on the porch of the house in the Connecticut winter, or burning stuffed animals if the girls don't play that piano or violin piece perfectly. There's also a rejection of birthday cards her girls drew for her because they didn't spend more than 5 minutes on them. That one made me shed a tear.
So, to wrap it up, the book was completely intriguing. Even though I'd never do 98% of anything she did to her girls, I do concede her point that Westerners don't tap into their children's full potential as much as "chinese mothers." But I will NEVER be or want to be a "Chinese mother."
For a real review of this book by someone with real review credentials, please see my sister in law's awesome review at her book review blog.
